The Siege on Hogwarts
by KEEO
Summary: Sequal to The New Chamber of Secrets


The Siege on Hogwarts  
  
George: "How awful, with the entire world blowing up for no reason, we are practically screwed!"  
  
Fred: "Indeed, only three Harry Potter characters left in a space   
  
ship! And not even the most famous characters but some lesser characters!"  
  
George: "Then who do you suppose are the most famous characters?"  
  
Fred: "Colin, Chewbacca and Crookshanks of course!"  
  
George: "Um, I was expecting you to say Ron, Hermione and Harry."  
  
Fred: "Why?"  
  
George: "Well, why not?"  
  
Fred: "Their names don't start with a C! And besides, Ron, Hermione   
  
and the punk with a scar on his forehead are almost never mentioned and are really infamous."  
  
George: "Chewbacca never appeared in any of the Harry Potter books,   
  
because he's from that movie called The Wizard of Oz."  
  
Fred: "No he's not."  
  
George: "Yes he is."  
  
Fred: "No he's not."  
  
George: "Yes he is."  
  
Fred: "No he's not."  
  
George: "Yes he is."  
  
Fred: "Crucio!"  
  
George: "You don't know how it works yet!"  
  
Fred: "Damnit! But when Harry did it in the fifth book it worked the first time immediatly!"  
  
George: "That's because he spends so much time with Dumbledore and   
  
Hermione, who use it all the time on Hogwarts students."  
  
Sirius: "Well, will you look at that, Buckbeak survived! He's flying over there!"  
  
Fred: "No, that's a gummy bear."  
  
Sirius: "Fuck! I was convinced it was Buckbeak!"  
  
George: "This fic is probably going to end right about now because   
  
the author can't think a way to bring back Hogwarts and all of it's characters."  
  
Sirius: "Gnomes with pitchforks have repaired planet Earth!"  
  
Fred: "Hoeray!"  
  
George: "Hoeray!"  
  
Fred: "Look, there appears to be a rip in space-time over there."  
  
Sirius: "We can fly into it for fun!"  
  
George: "That would be awsome!"  
  
The space ship flies into the rip in space-time and they suddenly   
  
find themselves on a planet with a lot of trees. Beneath them, a   
  
pack of humans are running from an army of apes in armored suits   
  
that are riding horses and holding spears.  
  
Fred: "That's just like what happened in that movie, Police Academy!"  
  
George: "No man, it looks more like a scene from that movie Blues Brothers."  
  
Sirius: "Shut up already! You two don't know shit about movies!"  
  
Fred: "Well, mr. Know-it-All, what do you think it looks like?"  
  
Sirius: "Any moron can see that this is a scene from Stephen King's:   
  
The Shining! Anyway, we don't belong here so we might as well fly   
  
back to Earth that in the meanwhile has been put back together by gnomes with pitchforks."  
  
George: "Hoeray!"  
  
Fred: "Hoeray!"  
  
Sirius: "See? We're back again! That's Hogwarts over there!"  
  
Fred: "No, that's another gummy bear."  
  
Sirius: "DAMNIT!"  
  
George: "Heh heh heh, Sirius? Are you getting, SIRiously mad now?"  
  
Fred: "Heh heh heh heh... Good one, George."  
  
Sirius: "Fuck you!"  
  
Gnome with a Pitchfork: "Yo man, me and my posse here put your planet   
  
back together. That'll be fifty billion Galleons, and we want to see some cash right now."  
  
Fred: "Quick Sirius! Destroy it with your red Jedi Lightsabre!"  
  
George: "Beware it's lethal pitchfork!"  
  
Sirius destroys the Gnome with a Pitchfork with his lightsabre.  
  
Sirius: "I destroyed it with my lightsabre."  
  
George rolls his eyes: "Wow, that's quite a newsflash!"  
  
Fred: "Yup, CNN material."  
  
Sirius: "CNN sucks. The method for showing weather statistics underneath   
  
those large static images for two random cities was probably made   
  
up by the most retarded Muggle in the universe."  
  
Most retarded Muggle in the universe: "Hey! I have feelings too! ...And gummy bears!"  
  
Sirius: "I think we are lost. I landed somewhere different from   
  
Earth. And what are all those strange hamsters doing over there   
  
to those poor Rebels who are on a mission to fight the Empire?"  
  
A distance away...  
  
Ewok Shaman: "Come on man, fry the bastard already."  
  
Leia: "No! Luke, do something! They're going to roast Han Solo!"  
  
George: "No shit sherlock!"  
  
Fred: "Thanks for the brilliant report, Mr. anchorman!"  
  
Leia: "Help Han Solo!"  
  
Luke: "Not now, I'm toying around with my Jedi Lightsabre."  
  
Leia: "Oh, cool. Watcha doing with it?"  
  
Luke: "I'm experimenting how far I can stick it into my wide open mouth before it hurts."  
  
Leia: "Can I try it too?"  
  
Han Solo: "Hey shitheads! Quit fooling around and free me from these psychotic Ewoks from hell!"  
  
Ewoks: "Fuck you biatch!"  
  
Luke: "Maybe I can show who's boss with my Jedi Lightsabre!"  
  
Ewok: "No, because we all carry two Ion Machetes."  
  
Luke: "How?"  
  
Ewok: "All Ewoks are ambidextrous."  
  
Luke: "Oh, okay."  
  
George: "I know this! This is from that disney movie The Lion King!"  
  
Fred: "Yes, I remember it too!"  
  
George: "You! Yellow robot! The strange hamsters think you are their   
  
god! Talk them out of roasting Han Solo!"  
  
3CPO: "Mr. Ewok! Don't harm the person you are trying to roast! He is my friend!"  
  
Ewok guard: "Shut up, fuckface!"  
  
3CPO: "Um, they're not listening to me like they did in the movie...   
  
What should I say? They're going to roast Han Solo soon!"  
  
Leia: "What the fuck are you talking about? I'm having fun sticking   
  
a lightsabre as far as possible up my nose before it starts bleeding, don't spoil the mood."  
  
Ewok: "I know something, you little biatches... Give us three million   
  
Galleons, and then we'll let the guy Han Solo go."  
  
Leia: "No way! The memory of that big fat ugly worm creature Jabba   
  
is still fresh in my head, so I'm not in the mood to do a striptease right now!"  
  
Ewok: "We asked three million Galleons, which has got absolutely   
  
nothing to do with you doing a striptease you dumb bitch."  
  
Leia: "Oh, sorry."  
  
Ewok Shaman: "Accept our offer, or watch the guy called Han Solo burn!"  
  
Leia: "Shit, we don't have any Galleons."  
  
Luke: "Yeah, sucks to be us right now."  
  
THEN ALL EWOKS HAVE A BIG ORGY WITH PRINCESS LEIA JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.  
  
Sirius: "We will pay the three million Galleons."  
  
Luke: "Why? Just because we're so fucking friendly?"  
  
George: "Thanks for the detailed report, captain obvious."  
  
Fred: "Not the right moment George!"  
  
George: "Oh, shit. You're right. I need to work on my timing a little."  
  
Ewok Shaman: "Well, we got three million Galleons from those friendly people and..."  
  
Han Solo: "Yes??? And???"  
  
Ewok Shaman: "And we used the cash to buy an ultra-sized barbeque to fry you on!"  
  
Han Solo: "FUCK!"  
  
Han Solo gets fried.  
  
Leia: "We couldn't safe Han Solo from being roasted! Now I'm feeling so guilty..."  
  
Luke: "Yeah, life's a bitch. You want something from the Barbeque too?"  
  
Leia: "Sure! I'm really hungry."  
  
Luke: "Yeah, well this will really hit the spot then."  
  
Leia: "Yup, I'm so hungry that I could eat a horse."  
  
A horse runs by for no reason.  
  
Leia: "A HORSE! Come back! I want to eat you... LUKE! I want to eat that horse!"  
  
Luke: "Well? Do I look like your bitch or something? Get off your lazy ass and chase it."  
  
Leia runs after the horse and jumps on it's back, immediatly starting   
  
to gnaw savagely at the horses neck. But then the horse jumps and   
  
flings Leia off. Leia lands on her shoulders, breaks her neck and   
  
is paralyzed for life. The horse runs back and runs over Leia multiple   
  
times from different directions. A loud wrestling match announcer-like   
  
voice from nowhere yells: "ROADKILL!" And the crows goes wild. The   
  
five Ewok judges hold up little signs with a number on it, each sign saying 10.  
  
Sirius: "Come, let's go back to Earth."  
  
George: "Hoeray!"  
  
Fred: "Hoeray!"  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Back on the recently restored planet Earth...  
  
Moody: "Come my fellow members of the Order of the Phoenix! We must go!"  
  
Tonks: "Why? We're on fucking vacation."  
  
Moody takes a deep breath for an impressive quote: "Evil doesn't take a vacation!"  
  
Tonks: "What about that fucking time Voldemort went skiing?"  
  
Moody; "Lupin, take care of the details."  
  
Lupin: "You see Tonks, he was skiing evilishly!"  
  
Tonks: "How the fuck can one ski evilishlyish?"  
  
Lupin: "By putting on evillylish skiing shoes in a very evillishlishly way!"  
  
Tonks: "..."  
  
Lupin: "Yes! You understand it now! Now you are breathless because   
  
of how evillishlishlyish Voldemort was when he went evillishlishlyishlish skiing!"  
  
Tonks: "You fucking werewolves are so fucked up paranoid sometimes."  
  
Moody: "Shut up, bubblegum hair! You look like Bob Marley!"  
  
Tonks: "Bob Marley doesn't have fucking blue hair, you fucking jackass."  
  
Moody: "TO THE BATMOBILE!!!"  
  
Tonks: "You don't have a fucking batmobile."  
  
Moody: "No, that's why you need to transform into Batman, ya know, the Muggle actionfigure."  
  
Tonks: "I can't just fucking transform my robes into a fucking Batman costume."  
  
Lupin: "That's why I made this excellent Batman costume! All you   
  
will need to do is put on the excellent Batman costume I made, change   
  
into the form of a large strong gummy bear, um, I mean Batman type   
  
of guy, and get us a Batmobile!"  
  
Tonks: "That's a fucking garbage bag with two fucking holes in the bottom to look through."  
  
Moody: "Just put it on! You stupid whining bitch!"  
  
At a very distant Batcave...  
  
Butler: "Where are you going sir? Is it necessary to use the Batmobile?"  
  
Tonks: "Just takin' her out for a fucking ride with my two Order   
  
of the Phoenix friends, um, no I mean, just for my fucking self of course."  
  
Lupin howls like a wolf out of excitement when he jumps into the   
  
Batmobile and checks out all the wonderful gadgets.  
  
Batman: "Hey, that's my car asshole!"  
  
Moody: "DRIVE BITCH! THEY'RE ONTO US!"  
  
The Batmobile zooms out of the cave.  
  
Moody: "You suck at driving. Do you even have a license to drive?"  
  
Tonks: "Fuck you, biatch."  
  
In the meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
Well, not in a distant galaxy actually, just in a secret fortress of doom...  
  
No, not a fortress of doom either, just a pub somewhere...  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "Fucking incredible! Look at these loving messages   
  
my Lord! The Muggles didn't hate it at all! I'm afraid that you   
  
have underestimated the Muggle's stupid sense of humor... Just look at this one review here!:  
  
'I loved it! ITs so freaking hilarious. I was feeling really crappy   
  
and now I feel a lot better. I laughed sooo much!'  
  
-review at fictionalley.org  
  
My Lord, if this is true, if this fanfic is actually making Muggles   
  
feel happy, than your plan has absolutely failed! And not just failed,   
  
but backfired and done the exact opposite of what was meant to happen."  
  
Lord MasterSil- um, I mean Lord Voldemort: "No... NO! My plan was PERFECT!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "I know, it would have worked for the wizarding community,   
  
just not for the Muggles obviously."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO HATE IT! TO HAAATE IT! I   
  
was expecting tons of angry reviews about how ridiculously inept   
  
and meaningless the damn fanfic is, WHICH IT IS! Now what am I going   
  
to do with all these evil gummy bears? These gummy bears were supposed   
  
to automatically apparate into the mouths of those Muggles who would   
  
post angry reviews about how much the fanfic sucks, and the charm   
  
I put on the evil gummy bears would instantly cause all those Muggles   
  
to have chronic diarrhea for the rest of their lives and also make   
  
them dance the Polka just for the hell of it."  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "Maybe you should simply send those evil gummy bears   
  
to Hogwarts armed with rusty chainsaws to annihilate the headmaster   
  
and generally cause a lot of havoc among everybody."   
  
Lord Voldemort: "That's an excellent plan!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "No, wait, my son Draco is still there and he is allergic to gummy bears."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "Then we shall go there to pick him up first. Let's go on our brooms!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "I'm afraid the brooms are still too tired from our   
  
last trip and need to relax for a couple of hours. I'm sure you   
  
can think of some other way of transportation."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "TO THE VOLDEMOBILE!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "Yes my Lord!"  
  
Lord Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy get into a large car that's shaped   
  
like Voldemort's head wearing a wizard head, with the headlights   
  
sticking out the nostrils and two big windows instead of eyes. The   
  
Dark Lord is driving and his loyal Death Eater is sitting next to   
  
him and takes out a map for finding directions to Hogwarts.  
  
Lord Voldemort: "And, my fellow Map Reader, um, I mean, loyal Death Eater, where are we anyway?"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "It looks like we're in Scotland."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "Nonsense, you must have the map upside down. Turn it around and look again."  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "Ah, now I see... Yes, this is where we really are."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "And where would that be?"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "We're in the tropical Chinese sea my Lord."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "Good, I like donuts."  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "My Lord, donuts are Turkish."  
  
Lord Voldemort: "Then that's where we're going! To Cuba! Hoeray for capitalism!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "Hoeray!"  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Moody: "Holy shit! That's Voldemort in his Voldemobile!"  
  
Lupin: "Chase him Tonks!"  
  
Tonks: "I fucking am chasing it you biatch!"  
  
Lucius Malfoy: "Watch out my Lord! That Batmobile is going to crash into the Voldemobile!"  
  
Lord Voldemort: "Oh shit!"  
  
Then the Batmobile crashes into the Voldemobile and all of those   
  
people die of starvation. No, not from the carcrash, but because   
  
they all had very unhealthy lifestyles and died at the same time   
  
in a big tragedy because they had skipped breakfast. Then suddenly   
  
the evil gummy bears are roused all by themselves and they attack   
  
Hogwarts, starting a magnificent and epic war between good and evil   
  
just like in Lord of the Rings but the author won't go into detail   
  
about what happened during the siege of Hogwarts because the author   
  
is an evil bastard who is too lazy to describe all of that epic   
  
stuff. After the siege that lasted for ten years, when the evil   
  
gummy bears had finally breached the walls and gotten into Hogwarts,   
  
the Ewoks came and destroyed the evil gummy bears with their mighty   
  
Ion Machetes. Sirius trips over a rock and gets laughed at by Fred   
  
and George. And Ron, Hermione and the kid with messy hair and glasses   
  
live happily ever after. Or, at least until they get expell  
  
ed from Hogwarts two hours later for being disobedient little shits.  
  
AND THAT MEANS THAT THIS IS:  
  
THE END  
  
Fred: "Thanks, eagle eyes."  
  
George: "No shit, sherlock."  
  
Ron: "Weeeeeeeiiiiii!" 


End file.
